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I just got off the phone with a Veterinarian who specializes in home euthanasia.

She will be here this afternoon.

My stomach is in knots right now and admittedly, I am a little bit shaky, so I’ve decided to write.  I’m writing to make sense of a tough situation, to make sure I am doing the right thing… no…I’m writing to come to terms with the fact that this is the right thing to do.

In theory I believe euthanasia is the right thing to do when the time has come.  In reality it is the hardest decision I’ve had to make in a long time.  Every time I have asked myself over the last month whether this is the right thing to do, I then ask myself how I would want to be treated in my final difficult days.  My answer is I would want to be home where I am comfortable, with the people I love where I can pass quietly into the next life.  That is exactly what I want for her.

Our cat, Macy, is a part of our family, albeit not the most friendly or welcoming part, but an important member nonetheless.  She just turned 15 years old on February 2nd.  We gave her the Birthday 2-2-2000 when we adopted her from the Humane Society.  We called her Macy because when we first brought her home she hid behind the toilet until Macy Gray’s song ‘I Try’ came on the stereo.   She was a standoffish feline to say the least.  She would cuddle, but only on her terms.  This may sound familiar to many cat people.  We love them regardless or maybe just because of who they are :)

Macy has always been my cat.  I feed her, I groom her, I cuddle with her, I showered her with tomato juice both times she took on the neighbourhood skunks.  Imagine, an empty can of tomato juice, a soaking wet, cranky cat and me with scratches and puncture marks all over.  I would do it again in a second.

As I sit here listening to her wheeze,  I remember her eyes lighting up as we played ‘attack the moving legs’ under the bed covers.   I remember worrying about her when she would be gone for days at a time on some adventure.  I remember throwing her catnip frog toy up and her catching it in midair, until her hip pain prevented her from jumping.  I remember her curiosity when we brought home our newborn daughter and how she would sit at my feet while the baby nursed and would be content rubbing against my legs.

I guess this is the idea, isn’t it?  To Remember.  And I do Macy…I do.

Ironically, that first song that Macy responded to, “I Try” is the one that sums up how I feel today:

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

It’s time to go.  I need to spend what little time Macy has left, by her side.  I just have to remember that kindness can be shown in many different ways to all living things.

With all the Love and Kindness I can muster,

Heather

  1. Cyndy M says:

    Unfortunately, I know what you’re going through and how difficult it is. The lyrics brought me to tears and are so appropriate. It’s been 9 years since I had to say goodbye to my Goliath boy and I still have tears when I think of him. Lots of smiles too, but it took me a good long while to work it out. I knew it was time. Just the way he looked at me. They tell us when it’s time to go and usually, for our own selfish reasons, we hold on longer then we should. The best think we can do for them is to set them free and know they’ll be waiting for us at The Rainbow Bridge.

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you and the family.

  2. Lois says:

    Thank you for sharing Heather and my thoughts are with you. Dave and family had a home goodby for Kitty a few years ago and Dave had her from a teenager. She was an aloof cat to everyone but Dave! She would walk by Bert’s wheelchair and hiss at him! Then she would sit at the door waiting for Dave to come home. We called her his girlfriend. She is buried at the farm.

    • HeathyD says:

      Thank you for sharing Dave’s story. That sounds exactly like Macy! We would have people over and she would sit in the middle of the hallway hissing at everyone who walked by. She even took a swipe at a few people…

  3. Louise says:

    I needed to hear our vet say, You are doing the right thing, in order to be able to let go. And even three years later, it is etched in my mind as a pivotal moment in my life and in my understanding of compassion. It was so hard, and I’m sorry you are going through it. How wonderful that you’ve given her a loving home to spend her days here on earth. Much love to you xo

    • HeathyD says:

      Thank you Louise. I’m so sorry you had to go through it as well. I knew the moment the light left her eyes that it was time, but I still had second thoughts because I already knew how much I would miss her. I’m just glad we were able to find a vet who could come to our house because it would have broke my heart to have to take her elsewhere. She would get stressed out and carsick anytime we had to take her anywhere. It is such a heart wrenching thing to have to go through, but it makes us stronger.

  4. Anthea says:

    Oh Heath! How sad….. but when it’s time…. it’s time. I have to say you have a wonderful way or writing…. I will be reading more of your musings!
    much love
    A xx

  5. Anca says:

    Reading this piece I remember my cat from when I was growing up, Gluck. We had other cats too a couple of generations, from her and from her sister, many many nice memories and adventures.
    Now, I refuse to my daughter the precious thing of having a companion cat. We love our vacation time and I don’t know what to do with a cat when you are away- take it with you….? Leave it in a friend’s care?….
    Later …. for sure she’ll have a cat.

    • HeathyD says:

      Thank you so much for sharing, Anca :)
      A pet is a friend that we never forget. They tend to have such a huge impact on our lives without us even realizing it most of the time.
      I hope that you can find a way to share these memories with your daughter and create some new ones :)
      I will say that cats are quite self-sufficient. You can have a neighbour take care of them while you are away. We’ve taken care of quite a few animals while our neighbours have been away and it’s been no problem. Another option is to take them to a kennel.
      Good luck :)

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